Dear Edward
by theotherbella
Summary: New Moon: Bella jumped for a reason
1. Chapter 1

_Dear Edward,_

_I'm sorry._

_I know I promised, and I know you're probably angry but I had to do it. There really wasn't any other way. _

_In the beginning, the first few months after you left, I remember nothing. It's all blank from the moment you walked away until the moment I woke up, calling out for you. You never came, though. I used to like to think that maybe you hadn't meant it and that you were waiting outside my window, just like always. But you never were. I even left my window open for a while, thinking that if I hoped and wished long enough that you'd come for me._

_But you never did. _

_Edward, I hate you for leaving me here, and I hate you for lying to me for nearly a year. It hurts so much to know that that time, which meant everything to me, had been nothing to you. It made me feel as though I was only a place holder for you, until something bigger and better came along. Those memories—all of them— seemed like a dream after you were gone. I couldn't even imagine being as happy ever again. _

_I need you to be that happy._

_I couldn't ask you to stay if it meant sacrificing your happiness. I love you too much for that. I know, I know. I just got done telling you how I hate you and now it's love? Well, simply: I hate the things you've done to me, but I love you. I love the way that you'd stay with me through the night, even though I wasn't much company. I love the way you'd smile at me as I told you something I'd just learned, even though you'd probably heard about it before. But it seems I really was a stupid lamb, because those things were… lies._

_I fell in love with a lie._

_Maybe I could accept that and move on. Maybe I could forget about you, and go on with my life. But the thing is… I did believe that lie. And I did fall in love with it, too. Completely. Edward, I have nothing left to give to anyone. You took it all. You're the one with whom I wanted all of those things, anyway. Without you… it doesn't mean anything. Marriage would be a disposable transaction, children a burden, and life listless and dull. _

_Denying your soul mate goes against nature._

_That's what you were, Edward. I used to like to think that you were changed for me; so that you would come to me and love me for the rest of time. Despite my severe inadequacies, I felt like we worked together. You made me want to change and be better. You really did. You made me want to mean something to you and to other people. But when you said that you didn't want me I felt betrayed; betrayed in that my heart couldn't tell the difference between a con and true love. _

_But then I realized: my love wasn't a lie._

_That was why I couldn't let go of you, not even now. I've loved someone else with all of myself. There's no going back after something like that. You don't know what that love has meant to me, Edward. You can't. I've lived more in the last year than most do in a life time. _

_Which is why I can't regret what I'm doing._

_I've lived._

_I've loved._

_What else is left?_

_I love you,_

_Bella_

I crumpled Bella's note in my hand, letting out a loud cry. Had I been able to shed tears, I would have. I was mourning the loss of my love, but more than that, of her. With Bella went the meager excuse I had to continue on in my existence. With Bella went everything.

_Oh, my Bella… what have I done?_

_

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Reviews are love articulated :)_


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: I wasn't actually planning on writing this, but once I saw that people asked for it and a handful of you put this on alerts I decided to add.

It's all EPOV, so leave me some reviews. That'd be awesome.

Oh, and SMeyer owns; I think I forgot that before…

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Bella told me once that she couldn't live in a world without me. I hate to admit it, but I didn't believe her. I didn't believe that a perfect creature like my Bella could ever love me the way I loved her.

Teenagers are fickle, you see; constantly changing and moving. It was true that I couldn't let her get hurt because of me and what I was, I had to admit that I'd left her to prevent my own pain. Living without Bella was a dull ache. It was like a tense muscle that you're always aware of, but can live with. But… knowing that Bella was _gone._

No.

That was my beating, human heart being ripped from my chest. I couldn't survive without her. There simply was no purpose. I collapsed after I found Bella's note, not particularly caring that my cries could've been heard for miles, nor that I had broken into Chief Swan's house. All I knew was that my Bella was gone.

And it was my fault.

Emmett found me after mere seconds and soon he was whisking me back home. I cried and wailed into his chest, wishing for the first time in ages that I could cry. I could have cried for years.

My Bella.

Gone.

The house was a blur as he took me upstairs, putting me on the floor. I crawled into the corner of my room and curled myself into a ball.

"You screwed up, Edward." Emmett said, his voice quiet and tight.

I merely nodded.

"I… I have to leave you here. Carlisle told me to leave you here. But I'll check on you later." I heard him take a few steps to the door, "But please… be safe."

My heart clenched at his choice of words and all I could think of was Bella at school… driving her car… reading in the library… fainting. My Bella. My Bella, what had I done? I had broken her down so thoroughly and completely that she couldn't go on. I had ruined the person I loved above all others.

I stayed like that, curled in a ball and alone for weeks.

The silence was deafening. No one was there to hear me or listen, and no one seemed to even care. I hadn't heard from Emmett since the day he left, or any other member of my family. It seems they had shunned me. I couldn't blame them; after all I'd played a major role in murdering someone that they loved dearly. Isolation is a prison unto itself, I realized. There was no where to go and no where to be. No purpose, once I thought about it. No one was dependent upon me, nor was anyone worried about me.

I was no longer loved.

My love was gone. She was buried far beneath the earth, where really I should have been as well. I thought back to her letter, and thought of what she'd said about my change. I hadn't ever thought of it as a blessing until I met Bella. It was then that I realized that I had been meant for Bella. I wouldn't have known her other wise.

But look at what I had done with my gift.

Like a spoiled child, I tossed her aside carelessly. At this point, it didn't matter that I'd meant well, or that I had only wanted what was best for her. All that mattered was that she was gone, and what I'd done had effectively killed her. It seemed as though I'd delivered the blow just as I thought I was saving her.

What a fool I could be.

I willed myself to waste away. With each passing day, I felt my sanity slipping away. I didn't need it. I needed Bella. I hadn't fed since I'd heard, and I didn't want to. Why should I thrive while my Bella rotted away? I didn't want to move or breath or eat or sleep… all of which were possible because of what I was.

A monster.

A murderer.

A liar.

But what else had I deserved? I wasn't worthy of Bella. Not of her love, her compassion, her adoration—none of it. I was an evil being, someone who clearly didn't know the difference between right and wrong, although I seemed adept at the former. I wanted to be the nothingness that had consumed me in Bella's absence.

For without her love, what purpose did I have?

None.


End file.
